Summer is over, vacations have ended and our youth are back in school which tacks another 11.375 minutes on to my daily commute. By my calculations, that’s 47 days spent maneuvering around the big-ass metal Twinkie on wheels that hauls around these little shit heads until I retire. Before I get into the main stupid of this post, any particular reason why adult drivers get ticketed for 147 dollars for not using a seatbelt but we aren’t enforcing this on a tall, yellow and narrow capsules filled with kids? I guess enforcement of safety standards is dictated by who is capable of actually paying taxes these days. Moving on…….
As a kid, my family and I used to take long trips down to Oklahoma to see my Grandparents who were salt-of-the-earth people. We would pack up the Chevy Astro Van and set out for a ton of summer fun. Man, that beige Astro Van was so cool, too. It had headliner lighting, plush bucket seats and top-of-the-line window coverings. When my sister wasn’t fucking with me (flicking my ears, punching my arm, Indian burns and more) I would be listening to Def Leppard through my Sony Walkman. (Yes, the cassette tape version)
As with most sisters, it was inevitable we would hear “I gotta go pee”. As soon as we heard this little gem my brothers and I would instantly look at my Dad through his rear-view mirror to see another one of his classic reactions. He never disappointed. His expression was “Adoption is in your future”, his words were “Keep your eyes out for the next rest area, Honey.”
And that is where we start folks. Highway Rest Area’s. Do we really need these, I mean really? You know, these communal places where we travelers come together to excrete our mortal fluids then head right on over to the vending machines behind maximum security jail bars to pick out our Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake Bar.
Has anyone ever dove into this? As the tight community that we are, let’s jump in, shall we? Think of a pee pee and poo poo spot on the highway where you voluntarily drive to, no matter how long it takes because you despise gas station restrooms. You finally find it!! Your endorphins start to run high due to the excitement/satisfaction. You pull up, park your car, get out and streeeeeeeettttttttccccchhhhhhh!!!!!! (Man, that feels good). Next, you start walking towards the building, still a little nervous and uptight because you need go! However, you oddly still find the politeness within to greet the travelers you pass as the smell of urine and feces start to become stronger and stronger.
You finally reach the glass doors that serves as the entry way into the World’s Largest Crap Casket. You run in holding your breath and hurry to do the deed. With eyes starting to water, you rush over and start playing “Where’s the Fucking Sensor” with the automated faucet. Then, with all this fancy new technology at your fingertips, you try dipping your hands in and out of that ridiculously engineered Dyson Hand Dryer without hitting the sides and contracting TB. Almost always, you fail. You dart for the exit and are able to finally take a breath.
Sounds like a real treat, doesn’t it folks? FUN FACT: Do you realize OUR tax dollars pay for this wonderful experience? For states that follow suit like Florida, every time you hit the gas station and fill up you are paying roughly 19 cents per gallon to fund FDOT. On top of that, FDOT receives 30% of its funding through USDOT, which is another 18 cents or so per gallon. So every time you pump a gallon of gas, 37 cents of that goes towards helping the guy over at next pump relieve himself.
However, because of the rise of fuel-efficient cars, electric implementation, carpooling and Uber, these State and Federal programs are losing money. Of course they are. I’m sure none of it is a result of mis-handling/application of funds of any kind, right? C’mon, our State Officials have our backs. One of the great ideas on the floor is to implement a “Vehicle Miles Driven” tax. This is where they will install some-sort of GPS device in your car to track your mileage and you are only taxed on the miles you drive. Good luck getting this one approved.
Only in America, and more specifically, Florida. They should just legalize Prostitution and implement a “Miles Riden” tax. I mean, legalizing prostitution seems to already be in the works with Rest Area’s anyway. Where else can you go where you pay a considerable fee upfront (gas tax), dump your load…….and then leave without the need of saying goodbye.
If you’re in need of a set of good car condoms (tires), be sure to check out Discount Tire for $70 off select Bridgestone Tires. There is no need for formal goodbyes either.