Alright everyone, this is for all you American History buffs out there, Presidential History to be exact. Sadly, today’s Random Act of Stupid was performed by yours truly. Have you ever had your knowledge bank tested on a certain topic in which you thought you knew the answer to? You’ve never quite been asked this particular question, specifically, so all you have to rely on is that slowly diminishing memory of the last time this crap came up in school. Basically, it boils down to you not knowing shit about it. However, that doesn’t stop you from throwing out that sketchy, at best, answer with some Herculean confidence behind it, does it? No, it doesn’t.
My Peruvian Warden and I took a trip 3-day trip to Dallas a while back. There was a UFC fight in town which was our main focus but we also wanted to see the sites and visit where our 35th President, JFK, was assassinated. I remember the weather being perfect, not too hot and not too cold. We walked around most of the day taking photos of Old Red Museum, Dealey Plaza and all the various commemorative structures and statues dedicated to JFK and the City of Dallas.
We make our way over to the corner of Elm and Houston Street, Southbound corner putting us directly across the street from the, then, Texas School Book Depository. We look up to the 6th floor and take it in as American’s should.
Now, this is where it gets tricky. I can neither confirm nor deny when I say I opened up an American History book prior to our arrival. I had a vague memory of what the actual building looked like but these days I can’t remember if I’ve put on pants prior to leaving the house for work. (It does indeed work better if you put them on beforehand) We snap a few photos and also include a few “touristy” photos. (Shame!) In the corner of my eye I see one of Dallas’s residentially-challenged patrons. I don’t do good with these guys, I just don’t. I don’t enjoy lengthy conversations with people I do like, let alone shooting the proverbial shit with some dude who generously sprayed his cologne of the month; “Piss” by Eww No Toilette. And if that wasn’t enough, I’m pretty sure he is expecting some sort of compensation because you know damn good and well this dude is gonna pull the Veteran card, because they all do…am I right?
Pleasantries were exchanged and I quickly tried to dismiss the guy but they are excellent salesman and apparently I was wearing a pretty dress that day. He asks “What are you guys looking at?” With a rather repulsive look on my face, I’m sure, I responded with “What everyone else is looking at, where Lee Harvey Oswald shot JFK from.” He quickly replies “That isn’t the right building”. He then starts to point at:
Ingrid and I look at each other totally confused. I mean, this guy literally lives on this street, he must know…right? Standing there at a crossroads of “I have high school alzheimers” and “this guy must know what he’s talking about”, we chose door #2. Being the Asshole that I am, I still didn’t believe this warranted a donation of any kind so I threw him a “Thanks” and we proceeded to take idiotic touristy photos, yet again, in front of the wrong damn building for the next 5 minutes. Not our proudest moment. I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from time to time.
Ingrid was so uneasy about the whole situation, and rightfully so, she gave in to her Mama Bear instinct and swiped out of the camera app of her iPhone to open up Safari. She looks up at me with those beautiful chocolate chip eyes and with a cute little smirk she says…” You dumb fuck, we did have the right building”.
I’m bringing the UFC back to Dallas once I find this homeless fucker. We are waiving the piss-test requirement for this one.