When Pumpkin Spice is Life…Get a Life

It’s that time of year again fall-fans. Actually, you are about 17 days off you impatient jerks! Are we really going to do this year after year with every holiday? Why must you feel the need to start celebrating holidays and special events 1-2 weeks, sometimes months, out? Hey, I get it, I love the holidays as much as the next gal/guy. However, when you make December become November and October become September, where does it end? At 37 years young, 38 in November…but we’ll call it October, I am still having a hard time remembering actual birthdays and now I have to account for projected holidays? Oh Screw You!

So here we are on September 5th, 2018 and all of my Social Media feeds are vomiting Pumpkin Spice Latte’s, Muffins, Bread, Cakes, Candles etc. The list goes on and on. I want to make it clear to everyone, however. I am as American as it gets. I served my country for a brief time (HOOAH), I pay my taxes, I support the Presidency…and my ass, along with my love-handles, loves a good Pumpkin Pie with a dump truck full of Cool Whip on top. But, what is it about this tasty little treat where all of you Pumpkin Fucks get a seasonal boner and make it your daily go-to to your already disgusting diet from September through November when we are then blessed with the Egg Nog and Gingerbread fix? I hate to break to everyone but Pumpkin Puree and Pumpkin Spice are in the baking isle of your local grocery store all throughout the year. Imagine that.

I have to be completely honest with you guys, you make us “Normal” people despise you. I seriously don’t know if you are suffering from the medical version, not self-diagnosed you narcissistic A-Hole, of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or just…ya’ know, clinically insane. Honestly, after thinking about it, Narcissism could very well be it. For you to over-indulge in something as insignificant as a mixture of common household spices you are obviously and desperately seeking attention from others. Do we really need to see your 16th Pumpkin Spice Latte selfie from Starbucks at 10:30 AM?

Tell you what, want to really impress us? Post a selfie of you drinking a Venti French Roast, black with no sugar, at 5:30 AM on your way to work to let us all know you contribute to our booming economy. Redeeming Starbucks points is not a valid alternative to a Tax Refund despite what you may think.

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